Understanding consent and sexual violence
'Sexual violence' is any sexual interaction - online or offline - that is not consensual (is unwanted). This includes but is not limited to:
- Rape (penetrating someone's vagina, anus or mouth when they do not consent)
- Sexual assault (any unwanted sexual touching)
- Stealthing (removing a condom or interfering with contraception during sex without the other person's consent)
- Non-fatal strangulation (applying pressure to the neck or throat, even briefly, during a sexual or intimate encounter)
- Digital sexual harassment (e.g. sending someone unwanted sexual images)
- Pressure or coercion (e.g. pestering, nagging or pressuring someone to do something sexual, including pressuring someone to send nudes).
- Anyone can be a victim of sexual abuse, sexual harm, rape or sexual assault. It can happen to children, and adults, of all ages, of any sexuality, gender or ethnicity
- No one “asks” to be sexually abused or assaulted and no one who is sexually abused or assaulted is ever to blame for this happening - the responsibility lies with the perpetrator of harm.
- Sexual harassment, rape and sexual assault is about power and control, and is a crime.
- Someone's sexuality or gender identity has nothing to do with sexual violence.
- People's bodies react in their own way when they experience something traumatic.
- Getting help as soon as possible can help someone to start to recover from the effects of sexual violence.
Consent is when someone agrees by choice and has the freedom and capacity to make that choice. Consent applies in all situations, both online and offline.
Freedom means consent is given without force, pressure, intimidation or blackmail. This does not have to be physical, it can also be verbal, emotional, spiritual or online. If someone feels scared, frozen, or unable to say no safely, consent is not freely given. Someone does not have the capacity to consent (i.e. they cannot consent) if they are unconscious, asleep, or very intoxicated (from alcohol or other drugs).
It is illegal to have sex under the age of 16. This law is to protect young people from people who are older.
Under no circumstances can a child consent to sex or sexual activity (12 and under). Sexual activity involving a child is always sexual abuse.
It is always the responsibility of the perpetrator to not cause harm to the individual, rather than the individual's responsibility to avoid the harm.
Consent is required every time, including within relationships, marriages, or long-term partnerships. Being in a relationship does not mean someone is entitled to sex.
Yes - consent is not a contract, and someone can change their mind, stop or take a break at any time, regardless of what's happened so far. The other person must absolutely respect their right to change their mind, and mustn't make them feel guilty for doing so - otherwise that's pressure.
Paying attention to the words someone is saying, their facial expression and their body language is a good way to make sure that someone is having a good time. If you're not sure? Stop and check in with the person! Are they ok? Is there something they want to do differently? Do they want to pause?
If someone continues after consent has been withdrawn, that is sexual violence.
No! Consent must be freely given. So if someone is pressured, threatened, nagged or coerced, even if they say the word "yes", this does not count as consent - as there wasn't a free environment.
No. In most cases, rape, sexual harm, sexual abuse or assault is done by someone who is known to the victim/survivor.
Experiencing sexual violence can cause a wide range of feelings, and there is no right or wrong way to react. Everybody reacts differently. Some people may show distress openly and others may hide their feelings and seem quite calm. Many different feelings can be felt:
- Shame, disgust and powerlessness
- Numbness, disbelief, fear
- Guilt, blaming oneself
- Feeling alone and unable to tell anyone.
There may be no obvious physical scarring or physical injury to someone's body. That does not mean there are no emotional signs or impacts because of what happened. There is no typical way to react to sexual violence.
Some victim/survivors of sexual violence might be worried about 'virginity', and might find it reassuring to read our pages on the virginity & hymen myths.
Some victims/survivors may have concerns about their physical and sexual health. There are specially trained doctors who can provide reassurance to you and a give you a full health check, including testing for STIs or pregnancy. For more information, read our section on sexual abuse examinations.
No. Sexual violence is about power and control, not about sexual desire/attraction.
If someone is assaulted by someone of a certain gender, that doesn't mean their sexuality is changed. Equally, it doesn't mean that the abuser has a certain sexuality.
When we're scared, our bodies react in their own automatic way to help us survive - these are called 'trauma responses'.
Sometimes people ask why victims/survivors of sexual violence didn't run away, fight back or shout. But it's very common for people who experience trauma to go very still (freeze), for their body to go limp or floppy, or to try and appease the perpetrator - these are all evolved responses that we have to keep ourselves safe. Some people may go along with what's happening because they are scared of what might happen if they so no. This is not consent.
People may also experience an orgasm or erection during an experience of sexual abuse but this does not mean they enjoyed the abuse. Our bodies are designed to react to touch, sometimes regardless of whether we want that touch or not. For example, some people may find tickling uncomfortable or even painful, yet they still laugh when they are being tickled, even though they are not finding it enjoyable or funny.
If you, or someone you know, has experienced any form of sexual harm, there are people who can help you.
Telling someone you trust about your experience, whether it is a family member, a nurse or doctor, or a counsellor, is the first step towards getting the help you need and the path to recovery.
If someone has experienced non-fatal strangulation, even if there are no visible injuries, it is important to seek medical care as soon as possible. Strangulation can cause serious internal injuries that may not show straight away.
Counseling is available for all people who have been sexually assaulted, raped or sexually abused. Help is also available to their family and friends.
Help is also available for people who are concerned about their own sexual thoughts and behaviour.
Click here to view short videos on care and support options after sexual assault.
If you are in immediate danger you can call the police on 111. You can call 111 from your cell phone even if you have no credit.