Pornography, sex media, and digital intimacy

We often don’t see consent being practised in mainstream porn. In reality, communication is key to ascertaining someone’s boundaries and what they’re into - but we don’t see this happening in mainstream porn, and instead it jumps straight to the action. What we don’t see is people talking about what they’re into in a non sexual context; people checking in according to each other’s body language; people taking a break or changing their mind. These are all realities of consensual sex - learn more about consent here.

In reality, consent is ongoing, mutual, and non-negotiable. It includes:

• Talking about what feels good
• Reading and respecting body language
  Changing your mind at any time.
  
  

This applies just as much to sexting and sending nudes as it does to in-person sex.

Sending and receiving nudes is increasingly part of how people express intimacy. But it comes with real responsibilities.

• Sharing someone’s nude without consent is never okay. It’s not ‘gossip’ or 'drama' - it's image-based sexual abuse, a form of sexual harm that can have serious emotional and legal consequences.
  
  
• If someone has sent you a nude, you have a responsibility to keep it private.
  
  
• If you’re thinking about sending one yourself, make sure it's fully your choice, not something you’re doing due to pressure or expectation.
  
  

Reminder: The Light Project's https://www.intheknow.co.nz/school-up-on-nudes/ has excellent youth-friendly guides on this.

A note on so-called “revenge porn”: this term is sometimes used to describe when someone's nudes or intimate sexual content are shared without their consent (we prefer the term ‘image-based sexual abuse’). Importantly, this isn’t really ‘porn’ like the content we’re discussing on this page - it wasn’t made to be viewed by the public. ‘Revenge porn’ or image-based sexual abuse is a violation of someone’s privacy and dignity, and it’s a form of sexual violence.

The internet has seen a surge in AI-generated pornographic content. Some of this involves entirely synthetic creations - but other cases involve deepfakes, where someone’s face is inserted onto someone else’s body without their consent.

• This is a huge consent issue and can be devastating for those targeted
• It’s also part of a broader conversation about digital ethics, identity, and who controls how bodies and faces are used online.
  
  

As viewers and creators, we need to ask: Just because something is possible, does that mean it’s ethical?

Many forms of sex media (Hollywood is a big culprit) present only a very narrow range of bodies and body parts as “desirable”. This is of course a reflection of wider social issues around body image, which so many activists, artists and individuals are working to change.

It’s important to reflect on how engaging with any form of digital media makes you feel. If you’re watching porn and find it’s affecting your body image, or wellbeing in any other way, you could look to see if others sites promote a more diverse and positive body image. Remembering to fill your other digital experiences (e.g. your Instagram feed) with affirming messages might also help.

Whose desire is being centred?

A lot of mainstream, heterosexual porn can also be phallocentric (i.e. penis-pleasure-centred). What can be sidelined or mis-represented is the way in which people with vulvas and clitorises might experience sexual pleasure. Ultimately, if you want to know what feels pleasurable for someone (with any genitals!) the key is to ask them what feels nice, rather than taking a guess based on depictions of sex in porn. 

Mainstream porn often centres male pleasure - especially cisgender, heterosexual men. This can lead to:

• Misrepresentations of how people with vulvas experience pleasure
• Ignoring slower, gentler, or more communicative styles of intimacy
• Repetitive, performative sex that doesn’t reflect real connection.

Mainstream porn is, in many ways, more queer-inclusive, though it’s still good to be mindful of how queer sex is being presented. Is it really for a queer audience, or is it for a heterosexual gaze? It could also be worth bearing in mind how certain sexualities may be fetishised, which can lean on the side of ‘othering’, rather than including and celebrating. Queer-inclusive and ethical porn platforms offer broader representations, but even then, it’s worth asking:

• Is this for the community, or for the mainstream gaze?
• Is it celebrating diversity, or fetishising it?
  

Mainstream pornography in particular often plays on harmful, racist tropes. Being able to identify these, and understand how they fit into wider social injustices, is key. Particularly if you’re Pākehā / white, an understanding of racism, colonialism and its ongoing impact can help you be a better ally. This includes not colluding with racism by clicking on links which promote harmful ideas.

• Racist tropes, body shaming, and transphobic or ableist portrayals are still widespread
• People of colour, fat bodies, disabled people, and gender-diverse individuals are often underrepresented or objectified
• Performers may be exploited or underpaid, especially when content is pirated or streamed for free.

As The Light Project encourages, it’s worth asking: Whose story is being told? Who benefits? Who is harmed?

This leads us on to the idea of ethical porn. Porn provides work, and just like any workplace there are good and bad practices. By ethical porn, we mean porn that centres the welfare and rights of the performers. This includes paying performers fairly, ensuring they have easy access to workplace support and care and ensuring content is created in a way that prioritises the boundaries and creativity of the performer. This raises immediate questions about freely available porn - can performers really be paid fairly if content is available for free? 

Even if it’s not affordable to someone at the moment, it’s important to remember that there are more ethically-run, transparent and inclusive options for accessing porn. They often charge a (fairly nominal) fee to access their content.

To engage more mindfully with sex media, consider:

• What am I watching, and how does it make me feel?
• Are the people on screen treated with care and respect?
• Am I learning about pleasure, or just performance?
• Am I reinforcing stereotypes or supporting diverse voices?