What is safer sex?
Safer sex reduces the chance of you getting or passing on an STI, and/or having
an unplanned pregnancy. Here are the key steps to safer sex.
Always use condoms (external or internal/female condoms) or dental dams if you have vaginal, oral or anal sex. Condoms are the only method of contraception that protects against both STIs and pregnancy. Even if you're using other methods of contraception (like the pill), always use condoms as well.
Talk to your partner about your sexual health. When did you last get tested for STIs? Are you going to use condoms or dental dams? Who will bring them? Are they in date? Make sure you're both 100% comfortable with the arrangement. If you're choosing to have unprotected (condomless) sex, make sure you both understand about STIs and the risks.
Never have sex (even with a condom) if your partner has a visible sore, ulcer or lump on their genitals or anal area. Don't shame them, but suggest they see their doctor or sexual health clinic.
Some STIs can be spread through oral sex. If someone is doing oral sex on a penis, they need to use a condom to avoid STIs. If someone is doing oral sex on a vulva or anus, they need to use a dental dam. This is especially important if you've got a cut or sore around your mouth or lips or bleeding gums.
Some STIs can also be spread on by using sex toys. Use condoms on sex toys and change the condom for each person. Wash toys carefully after use, and wash your hands after removing the condom.
You should wash your hands with soap and water before and after sexual play.
Don't brush your teeth within 30 minutes or so of having oral sex. It can irritate your gums and create small cuts that increase your chances of getting an infection. If you want to freshen your breath, use mouthwash or sugar-free gum instead.
If someone consents to having sex with a condom, and then the other person secretly removes the condom during sex, this is not consensual - it would be a form of sexual violence. See our support services page to find places that help survivors of all kinds of sexual violence.
Safer anal sex
Anal sex carries the highest risk of passing on sexually transmitted infections, followed by vaginal and then oral sex. (You cannot get pregnant from anal sex.) This is because the lining of the anus is quite delicate. However, there are lots of ways to ensure that anal sex is as safe as possible.
1. Use condoms
Using a condom with condom-safe lubricant, or dental dams every time you have anal sex, will help protect you and your partner from sexually transmitted infections. Remember to change condoms if you switch from anal sex to vaginal sex, to avoid spreading bacteria from the anus into the vagina.
2. Use condom-safe lubricant (e.g. KY jelly, etc)
The anus is not 'self-lubricating' (it doesn't produce its own substance that makes it slippery and reduces friction). This means that it's possible for small tears to the tissue in the anus to occur during penetration (by a penis or other object). These tears allow bacteria and viruses to enter the bloodstream, which can result in the spread of STIs, including HIV. This is why people are more likely to get certain STIs, including HIV and HPV, from receptive anal sex compared to other types of sex. Using an artificial lubricant can help prevent this tearing - so lube is important for both safe and pleasurable anal sex.
Remember: some types of lube, including oil-based ones, aren't compatible with condoms, because they can damage the latex of the condom. Condom-safe lubricants are water-based - check the lubricant packaging to find out what it's made of. Sometimes it will tell you if it's condom safe on the packed, too. There are special lubricants for anal sex which contain benzocaine, an agent that desensitises the anus and can make penetration more comfortable.
3. Take it slow and communicate
Particularly if it's someone's first time trying anal sex, it's really important to start slowly. If someone rushes, or doesn't use enough lubrication, anal sex may be painful. There are a lot of nerve endings in and around the anus area, so there are lots of parts that can feel nice when stimulated. Someone might decide to start off touching the outside of the anus with fingers before introducing a finger inside the anus.
Of course, communication is key to knowing whether something feels nice or what pace someone wants to go at. Someone might also feel more comfortable in a certain position, if you're not sure, you could check, "do you want to move to be more comfortable?" It's important that someone is physically relaxed - if they're not, their muscles will tense up, including the ones around the anus, which could make things uncomfortable. Creating a safe and caring environment can help everyone feel physically and emotionally comfortable.
4. Good hygiene is important
Even if neither partner has an STI, the bacteria that are naturally present in the anus could still cause an infection. For example, if someone practices vaginal sex after anal sex, this could introduce these bacteria into the vulva/vagina area and cause a urinary tract infection. Using a new condom or putting a condom on when moving from anal sex to vaginal sex can help.
It's a good idea that someone has clean and short fingernails before stimulating the anus with their hand, in order to avoid scratching or passing on bacteria. It's also a good idea to empty your back passage (a.k.a. do a poo) if you need to, before any type of anal sex/anal stimulation.
As with all types of sex, it's vital to discuss it with a partner first. We're all responsible for making sure that we respect our sexual partners' boundaries, and ensure that any type of sex is good and fun for everyone involved. This means ensuring that someone is enthusiastic about whatever type of sex we're doing, and freely consents to it, without pressure. If someone agrees to do something sexual because they're been forced, pestered or pressured, that's not consensual.
Remember also that consent is an ongoing conversation - for example, someone may be up for doing something, and then change their mind or want to take a break. Their partner must absolutely respect this, and it's not okay to make someone feel guilty or bad for changing their mind.
Someone might choose to explore anal stimulation by themselves first, to figure out what feels nice for them and their body.
The Burnett Foundation Aotearoa has further information on anal sex, including a helpful video guide.