Online dating and hook-up culture

When meeting someone from online, your safety comes first.

Some useful safety steps include:

• Protect your personal information. You do not need to share your full name, address, school, workplace, regular locations, or private social media accounts straight away
• Check what your profile gives away, including uniforms, school logos, house numbers, location tags or regular hangout spots
• Meet in a public place the first time, such as a café, busy park, mall or other public space
• Tell a friend or trusted person where you are going, who you are meeting and when you expect to be back
• Have your own way home if possible, so you are not relying on the other person
• Keep your phone charged
• Trust your instincts. If something feels off, you can leave, block, pause or ask for help
• You do not have to stay just because someone has bought you food, paid for a ride, travelled to see you, or expected sex.

Safety is not only physical. It also includes emotional safety, sexual safety and digital safety/digital boundaries (like not being pressured to send nudes or share content you’re uncomfortable with).

Online flirting can move quickly. You may be asked for photos, nudes, videos, your location, your social media accounts, or private details. You are allowed to say no.

You never owe someone a nude, a sexual message, a video call, a reply, or access to your body.

If you choose to send sexual images or messages, think about:

• Whether you genuinely want to
• Whether you feel pressured
• Whether the person has earned your trust
• Whether your face, tattoos, room, school uniform or Background could identify you
• Whether the image could be saved, screenshotted or shared
• Whether you would feel safe if the relationship changed.

Sharing or threatening to share someone’s intimate images without their consent is not okay. It can be illegal and seriously harmful. If this happens to you, it is not your fault. You can contact Netsafe for help and advice.

Be alert for scams, catfishing and sextortion. Warning signs can include someone moving the conversation off the app quickly, asking for money, asking for intimate images, refusing to video chat, claiming an emergency, threatening to expose you, or making you feel rushed or scared.

Whether you want a relationship, a date, a hook-up, friendship, flirting or something undefined, clear communication helps.

It is okay to ask:

• What are you looking for?
• Are you wanting something casual or something more serious?
• Are you seeing other people?
• What are your boundaries?
• What contraception or STI protection do you use?
• When were you last tested?
• What do you enjoy?
• What do you not want to do?

Being honest does not mean you need to tell someone everything about yourself straight away. It means not misleading someone about things that matter, such as whether you want sex, whether you want a relationship, or whether you are available.

Respect your own boundaries and theirs. Consent can change at any time. Someone can say yes to kissing and no to sex. Someone can say yes online and no in person. Someone can start something and then want to stop.

Checking in can be simple:

• Is this okay?
• Do you want to keep going?
• Do you want to slow down?
• What would feel good?
• Do you want to stop?

Hook-ups can be fun, positive and empowering for some people. For others, they can feel confusing, pressured or emotionally hard. Both experiences are valid.

You do not have to hook up just because it feels common. You also do not have to want a relationship just because you want sex.

Before meeting someone, it can help to check in with yourself:

• Am I doing this because I want to?
• Do I feel safe?
• Do I feel pressured?
• Would I still want this if they were not flattering me?
• Have we talked about condoms, contraception or STI testing?
• Would I feel okay if this stayed casual?
• What do I need afterwards: space, a check-in, a message, reassurance, privacy?

It is okay to want care and respect in casual sex. Casual does not mean careless.

Alcohol and drugs can affect judgement, communication and safety. If someone is very drunk, high, asleep, unconscious, confused, frozen, pressured or unable to clearly communicate, they cannot give clear consent.

If you are meeting someone new, it is safer to avoid getting heavily intoxicated. You are allowed to change your mind at any time, even if you have been flirting, drinking, sexting, or planning to hook up.

If sex may involve genitals, mouths, anuses, sperm, vaginal fluids, blood, or shared sex toys, it is worth thinking about STI protection.

Condoms and dams can reduce the risk of STIs. Condoms also help prevent pregnancy when sperm could get near a vagina or vulva. Many people use condoms plus another contraception method, such as the pill, implant or IUD.

It is okay to ask about STI testing. It is okay to bring your own condoms or lubricant. It is okay to stop if someone refuses protection or tries to pressure you out of using it.

A respectful partner will care about your safety as well as their own pleasure.

Dating apps can make people feel disposable. Not every match will become a conversation. Not every conversation will become a date. Not every date will lead to sex or a relationship.

Rejection can hurt, but it does not decide your worth.

If you are not interested, and you feel safe, a clear kind message can help:

“Hey, I don’t think we’re a match, but I wish you well.”

“I had a nice time, but I don’t want to take this further.”

“I’m not feeling the connection I’m looking for.”

You do not have to keep explaining yourself. If someone ignores your boundary, pressures you, insults you, threatens you, or makes you feel unsafe, it is okay to block, report or stop replying. You do not owe politeness to someone who is making you unsafe.

For LGBTQIA+, takatāpui, trans and gender-diverse people, online dating can be affirming and exciting. It can also bring extra safety considerations, especially around outing, discrimination, fetishising, harassment or location-based apps.

You get to decide how much you share about your identity, body, pronouns, sexuality, HIV/STI status, gender history or relationship preferences. You do not have to educate everyone, answer invasive questions, or tolerate disrespect.

It may help to meet in queer-friendly public spaces, tell a trusted person where you are, use app privacy settings, and be careful about sharing exact location information.

Apps can be fun, but they can also affect your confidence. Swiping, likes, matches, ghosting and appearance-based judgement can start to feel personal.

Take a break if apps are affecting your mood, sleep, self-esteem or sense of worth.

Your value is not measured by:

• How many matches you get
• How quickly someone replies
• Whether someone wants sex
• Whether someone wants a relationship
• How your body compares to other people online.

You are allowed to step back, delete the app, change your settings, or date in a slower way.

If someone threatens you, shares your images, pressures you, harms you, stalks you, harasses you, or makes you feel unsafe, you deserve support.

You can:

• Tell a trusted friend, whānau member, teacher, youth worker or health professional
• Save screenshots or evidence if safe to do so
• Block and report the person on the app or platform
• Contact Netsafe for help with online harm or image-based abuse
• Contact Police if you are in immediate danger or if intimate images have been shared or threatened
• Get sexual health care, emergency contraception or support after sexual assault if needed.

If something happened that you did not consent to, it is not your fault.