Consent: what it is and why it matters
Consent means giving clear, voluntary permission for something to happen. When it comes to sex, kissing, touching or sharing sexual images or messages, consent needs to be talked about clearly and respectfully.
A helpful way to remember consent is FRIES.
Freely given: It is not consent if someone is pressured, guilt-tripped, threatened, manipulated, or made to feel like they "owe" someone.
Reversible: You can change your mindat any time, even if you said yes earlier, even if you have done it before, and even if you are in a relationship.
Informed: You need to know what you are agreeing to. Saying yes to one thing does not mean saying yes to something else.
Enthusiastic: Consent should feel clear a positive. A real yes sounds and feels like 'yes', not silence, freeing, 'I guess', 'maybe', or giving in because someone keeps asking.
Specific: Consent is for a specific activity at a specific time. Agreeing to kissing does not mean agreeing to sex. Agreeing to sex once does not mean agreeing every time.
Hot tips on how to ask your partner if they are comfortable and consenting:
- "Do you want to keep going?"
- "Is this okay?"
- "Do you want to stop?"
- Asleep or unconscious
- Too drunk or high to clearly consent or refuse
- Being pressured, threatened, guilted, or manipulated
- Silent, frozen, scared, or unsure
- In a relationship and feels they cannot say no.
In Aotearoa New Zealand, the legal age for sexual consent if 16, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.
People under 16 cannot legally consent to sexual activity. Sexual actiivty with someone under 16 can be a criminal offence, even if they seem to agree.
Sexual activity involving a child (12 and under) is always sexual abuse.
Consent is about respect, communication and safety.
You are allowed to say no.
You are allowed to slow things down.
You are allowed to change your mind.
You are allowed to ask questions.
You deserve to feel safe, heard, and respected.
A good partner will care about your comfort, your boundaries, and your answer.
Relationships can be exciting - but it's important to know the difference between healthy and unhealthy ones.
Features of healthy relationships:
- Respecting each other's boundaries
- Communicating openly and honestly
- Making decisions together
- Supporting each other's goals and interests
- Apologising and growing when mistakes happen.
Features of unhealthy or toxic relationships:
- Controlling who you see, text, or hang out with
- Putting you down or making you feel small
- Pressuring you into things you're not ready for
- Blaming you for everything or making you feel guilty
- Threatening, yelling, or using physical force.
If you're unsure or feel unsafe, talk to someone you trust. There's support available, and you're not alone.